Remission for three days

I was on pins and needles after the initial diagnosis.
Time starts to stand still.

After all of the doctor visits, and false diagnosis, Cat scans, Pet scans,
MRI's etc, the-waiting, and the stepping up, now I knew.

I took it all to task.
I had a job to do.
I needed to be strong.

I let others cry for me.

I never shed a tear.
I had a job to do.

I needed to find out as much as I could

about battling Ovarian Cancer
at such an advanced stage 4.

I had a job to do!
I am focused, strong, happy to be alive,

happy for the knowing.

Cancer!

it took so long to get that diagnosis.
It took two years and a volunteer surgery.

But now I know!
It is never easy to hear I guess!

Cancer!

I had two ports surgically implanted in my body,

chest, and belly.

Ahhhh, Modern technology.

They would spike me, with a thick long needle

to administer the drugs so my veins would not collapse.

A small thing to do for the benefits it will afford me,

a life?

or some resemblance of it.

Cancer!

It stops you in your tracks!

Cancer!


A horrible word, but 

I have a job to do !

I read. I studied. I learned to eat a different way.

I stepped up to my own plate.

I gathered strength.

I got to see who my real friends are.

I stood tall in the face of it.

Never wavering.
I had a job to do.

After I went thru the months and years of expected nausea, vomiting and the

constant feeling of being so tired, the tingle and numbness in my fingers and toes, the general dizziness of it all...

It was over for the time being.... a pause....

A quiet moment in the medical landscape that was my home for so long.

Who am I now? Who is this person staring back in the mirror?

At first I just didn't know who she was.

Bald, void of eyelashes and eye brows;

so pale, so scarred, so bruised.

Who the hell is this person?

I accepted that she is me.
I accept it all.
I had a job to do!

But now?
I was not prepared for this flood of emotion

as I finished my rounds Chemo.
My job is over now.

For the first time, I actually started to worry.
Just a bit at first. Something was happening.

I couldn't put my finger on it.

I start to look for survivor sites, some support for after.
Everything I read is horrifying.
There is no hope in those words.

Just dark fear written in various shades of black.

The seed of worry has crept into my brain.

The nagging little voice
that won't stop whispering to me now.

What if it comes back?

What if the next round of test show that it never went away?

What if you have to do this all over again?

What if you won't live after all?

What if?

It is a horrible state of unconsciousness.

To not be in the present moment

Slipping back into the ways of being,

before I become aware, present, still,

somewhat enlightened

in my own being.

I hear it,

I ignore it.

I hear it,

I ignore it.

I am not a person that lets worry ruin any of my days.

I am the person that is strong.
I step up to the plate.

I don't fall down.

I don't worry unnecessarily.

I need a new Job.

Then

the

Cancer

returned